Knowing Thyself

Knowing thyself

During one of my recent 'Man Survival Man weekends', one of my clients, whilst carrying out a night navigation march found himself thigh-deep in a swamp. He was fine except for a slightly damaged ego and soaking wet legs and feet.

It was cold and so, if you’ve ever experienced being wet and cold, it becomes miserable very quickly.

And this client of mine started to, what I like to call ‘Wrapping his tits in’. Meaning he started to have those questions, you know all the self-doubt, self-pity questions, ‘Why am I here?’ and ‘What the 'f' am I doing?’

I could see by his demeanour that he was very close to quitting.

This was explained to all of the participants at the beginning of the weekend. I’m not looking for supermen. This is not an SBS selection. This is a test between you and yourself, only. There will be times where you are cold, wet and hungry and well outside your comfort zone, and that these are the times you are looking for, no in fact these are the times that you are hoping for. 

Because it’s at these moments that you will truly learn to know yourself and what you are truly capable of.

Having seen the predicament that my client was experiencing I sat down with him and reminded him of this fact and that yes he was cold, wet and hungry and on top of that was also tired (this was getting very late into the evening and towards the early hours of the next morning) but it was exactly this moment that he would be testing himself and how he reacts to this moment could and probably would define him as a man.

He understood what I had said to him as during the next morning debrief he admitted, it did hit home and actually helped him a lot. However, he still wasn’t out of his own woods yet, and he still had a long way to go in his dark place. But he now understood what he was going through was normal and that because I had clearly defined it for him he understood the problem.  It had become more black and white and therefore easier to see and deal with.

It sounds so easy for the reader who isn’t or has never been in that situation having had that experience before, but when you are in that dark place, common sense and logic go out of the window and your own self-doubt kicks in and you wonder why you’re feeling like this when clearly it’s so obvious.  Not though for the person suffering it.

Do you think that by me offering my support and telling the guy going through the problem ‘Hey, don’t worry I’m being empathetic and I know what you’re going through and I’m there for you? Really would have helped in that situation?

No clearly not. What was needed was sound advice and a clear definition of the problem so as to clarify what was needed for a solution.

We have all seen the situation in a boxing match or in an MMA fight where the guy fighting is seriously losing and getting beaten up, then during each round, his corner gives him terrible advice like "Well done, you're doing so well, just keep it up and stay strong." When in fact what they need is direct technique advice and what to actions to take to stop getting beaten up, not wishy-washy emotional advice.

Having given my client this advice which clarified the problem for him it is then whether or not the person suffering takes the right way out. This decision is purely up to them and one that I cannot help with and nor should I and nor should anyone else. It’s his problem and his alone to conquer or fail at. That’s called the experience of life. Maybe he would learn more from himself by quitting than he would by overcoming his problems. Who am I to take that away from him. 

We are so afraid in the West to fail that it has become synonymous with weakness and being a loser, when in fact it is the complete opposite. Even quitting can be beneficial to the individual as this might become the catalyst to change their lives for the better. It is understanding and recognising this that is more important. 

This is not only a fantastic lesson for my client to have experienced but it is also a great lesson for all the do-gooders out there that just want to help.

For them I say; Think about what or who you are helping. What you are offering in the form of help, are you offering clear precise information that leads to a clearly defined solution or are you offering your opinion of the world and what you think it should be like?

Firstly, have you ever been in a situation that the person or persons who you are offering your support to? And secondly you can truly understand and offer advice as to how you solved a similar problem?

My mother suffered with cancer and underwent hours and hours of chemotherapy. Does anyone honestly think that I could be really empathetic (put myself in her shoes) and understand what my mother went through? Really? It doesn't mean I can't offer her my support and when she gets depressed or feels bad to guide her, to look for a solution, to create action and take responsibility. 

My client came out of the other side of his dark place after we got a fire going and he dried himself out a bit, he also got a hot brew (cup of tea) inside him and he was then good to go.

Not only was he good to go, he felt invincible because he had overcome his demons and knew what he was capable of even in bad times he dug in deep and survived.

Yes it was only for one night and yes he had a fire and a hot drink to help him, but that’s exactly what did help him. He didn’t sit there thinking and admitting he has a problem and then telling the world ‘Hey everyone I have a problem, look at me and let’s all be sympathetic.’

No, he took action, his friends around him helped him take actions that helped him get out of his rut and boy was he proud of himself and so he should be, well done.

He did exactly what I wanted him to do on my weekend. He found himself in a dark place, he suffered through it, and then came out through the other side. The test was never life-threatening and it was always going to be short, but it was massively effective and a lesson he will take away with himself for the rest of his life. Whenever he finds himself ever in a dark place again he will always have a point of reference and the knowledge which will give him confidence to truly fulfil his potential and maybe even reach his dreams.

And that is why I run my weekends so that you too could find yourself in a dark place and see for yourself what you are truly made of.